let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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