I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
