i already hear my dad disowning me
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
