matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
