He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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