i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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