Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm too high and old for this...
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