We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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