god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
