you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
