mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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