One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
