why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
