When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
