I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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