You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
