She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
