Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
