She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
