Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
