paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
