Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
