I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just wanna be euthanized