There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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