I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
