I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
literally had 100 drinks last night.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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