I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
