I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
