I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
