oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
