found the other keg... it's in the tree
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think i got beer on your cat.
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