possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
