You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
