I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
