I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
