Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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