What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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