My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
