I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
