absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
