Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
