I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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