my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
