I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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