my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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