sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
