we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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