I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize