Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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