Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You don't make any sense
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