I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I wish there were birth control emojis
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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