I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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