I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing