Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
