plz talk dirty to me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
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Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Four minutes until I can fart!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
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All is fair in love and war and toga parties
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate