I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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