you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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