This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
