he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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