its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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