Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
