i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
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Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
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And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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