i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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